Sing to me, O Muse, of the neckbeard’s wrath,
And the feminists – those sociopaths! –
Who sent countless young men down in the soil
To work in the House of Hades with toil.
I am that neckbeard, Darius Reilly,
I conquered the women who beguiled me!
My adventure began in the mead hall
Of Reddit during an online meme brawl.
My friend, Ragnar_Redbeard, said to the host,
“Progressives are winning! Is all not lost?
You are cucks, beta males, pro-Spengler nerds,
White knights, brony losers, all virgin curs!
You’re as cucked as the Cultural Marxists,
Virtue-signaling regressive leftists!”
My other friend, MAGA_is_God, then typed,
“Leftists don’t debate, merely speak in spite.
They will erase all different opinions,
Shut down all free speech using their minions!”
He said this while blocking a beta cuck
From posting, which made me give my two bucks.
“I will go to a feminist conference!
They’ll acknowledge political difference!”
I pray I may succeed, O Fortuna,
To bring a future to all EVROPA!”
With sandals squeaking under socks, I came
To the conference so all will know my name.
My pants bulged; the women were so pretty.
A cute feminist? I must be silly!
I went to open the door for this dame,
Tipping my fedora, playing The Game,
I said, “Milady, it would be uncouth,
You soiling your little hands on this booth.”
She then shrieked, “Benevolent sexism!
Toxic masculinity! Racism!
Check your privilege, cishet white male swine!”
I was hurt, posting on Reddit to whine,
But undaunted. I saw another girl,
So I cast my coat over a drain swirl.
I said, “Milady, do not walk on grime,
For dirtying your feet would be a crime.”
The lady winced, “Ew, go away you creep!
I’m meeting my boyfriend across the street!”
– Walking, she sighed, “Where’ve all the good men gone?” –
With me you could have been a happy swan.
In the conference hall, I sat on two seats
At once, waiting for the speakers to meet.
An ugly lesbian came to speak first,
complaining of all the feminist dirth:
Of male abuse, the pay gap, and others
Such as women in gaming – Oh brother!
She then finished by shrieking, “KILL ALL MEN!”
Then did I know what danger I was in.
The feminists cheered. A black woman spoke,
“Straight white men cause all violence. We are woke
To our oppression. You should check yourself
Before we show up should you wreck yourself!”
The women cheered, “DOWN WITH MEN! DOWN WITH MEN!
DOWN WITH MEN! DOWN WITH MEN! DOWN WITH ALL MEN!”
A terrible wonder beheld my eyes;
An idol of Baphomet they did rise!
Alex Jones was right! They’re turning the frogs gay!
They worship Satan, to my deep dismay!
They made nine-eleven an inside job!
They incurred the wrath of the brainwashed mob!
The High Priestess then took a newborn boy
To circumcise it, to make it their toy!
How could feminists do this to us men,
Brutalize neckbeards again and again?
I am a neckbeard. Do I not have eyes?
And hands? Poison me, and do I not die?
Tickle me, and I laugh. Mock me, I screed.
If you prick me, bully, do I not bleed?
That was enough! Roaring as Achilles,
I drew my katana named Damycles.
While the jocks partied, I studied the blade.
When they bedded girls, the blockchain I made.
I alone cultivated inner strength.
Barbarians pound the gate at arm’s length,
And the dumb jocks now dare ask me for help?
I quote Nietzsche as I chastise those whelps!
I then did battle with the High Priestess,
Who changed into a harpy to my distress.
The other females shrieked and roared, changing
Into harpies to cast me their loathing.
For days did I slay the harpies with sword,
Splattering the hall with blood, sick, and gore.
When I did, the lone knight, become fatigued,
Spying the last harpies, to do the deed
I drew forth the arrows of Heracles
And prayed to Athena, so she was pleased.
Hearing me, she did poison the tips,
Making deadly weapons of arrow sticks.
I shot ten volleys, and ten harpies died,
Splattering bird droppings before they laid.
The Queen Harpy shrieked, driving towards me.
I cut off her head, claiming victory.
I did rejoice in Perseus’ name,
But then I woke up and saw nothing changed.
I fell asleep while on Reddit posting.
The cursed feminists are still blogging.
I’m still a virgin, with sweating fat rolls
And a neckbeard; all I can do is troll.
I ate Doritos, then sipped Mountain Dew,
Shook a My Little Pony shirt anew.
Cuddling my waifu, thus did this brony
Go online to watch My Little Pony.
Hark, my brothers! The old battle is done,
But new battles are out there to be won!