Magnus Cox reporting live.
Previously on Cox News we witnessed former Chancellor Sheev Palpatine’s Inaugural address as the first Emperor of the newly formed Galactic Empire. The Emperor Elect promised his citizens to unite of all the galaxy’s people, drain the swamp of corporate corruption, rebuild galactic industry, bring back their jobs, and purge the galaxy of criminals, terrorists, and political radicals. “Together, we will make the galaxy great again!” The Emperor declared in triumph to a thunderous applause from all senators and constituents.
Today we broadcast another inauguration day, this one from our homeworld Earth. I’m just in Washington D.C., the day is sunny and bright, the American people are gathered together in joy. This will be an auspicious day in American history. I see various clerics and businessmen shake hands, exchange mandatory pleasantries, accept deals. America is a business; someone of immense integrity and character must run such a large corporation and the one man fit for such an immense enterprise is Emperor Donald J. Trump, former King of New York.
The future President will franchise our nation as never before seen. I believe we may be witnessing a business rise similar to those of McDonald, Burger King, and Coca Cola. The free American people directly voted Trump as their corporate leader. After Mr. Trump’s inaugural address he will officially inherit all rights for The American People™, The White House Real Estate™, and Americorp.™, which, as I am told, he will convert into a privately owned national park as a curiosity for business owners and bankers abroad. Of course, Mr. Trump will share his wealth and power with an advisory board as well as business friends outside The White House Real Estate™ property.
Americorp.™ top attorney Rich Bling, Esq. directs the proceedings. Quoting the great enterpriser John Galt, he says, “Do not ask what you can do for your country. Ask what your country can do for you.” Mr. Blunt has just invited Bishop Recusant, Hierophant Skivvy, and Pharisee Cain to join us in our celebration of victory over democracy.
BISHOP RECUSANT: “Let us invoke Isaiah 45:7 from the Book of Wisdom, ‘I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.’ We must remember and acknowledge, once and for all, that we worship a God of evil. Our Lord thy God, through all his actions, has spoken of what creed we must follow. His actions are of selfishness, greed, hate, spite, jealousy, brutality, vengeance. As He commands Man to follow his decrees and walk the path of God, Man must obey.
“God created the universe and man in his likeness. Likewise, he created a universe of misery and created man with every vice in His soul. For proof, let us gaze at our citizens, at our great nation, and the world at large. We see crime reign everywhere; everywhere the evil men of our great nation flourish with more wealth than ever before while the weak dullards fools call good men struggle to not starve. God rewards man for his faith and diligence, so is it any surprise to see God reward evil men, his true believers?
“We were a nation of God and we will always be a nation of God. We need not look further than our great nations history to see that God has blessed us each step of the way for dutifully following his command. We killed savages as we pilgrimmed to American soil, and God gave us bountiful food. We enslaved niggers, and God gave us great wealth. Indeed, if savages and niggers repopulated, we the American people would kill and enslave them all over again so our evil God may reward us double our last boon. We pay workers abroad a pittance not even worthy for a homeless bum, and God gives us new toys and cars for our leisure. We destroy the homes and lives of infidels abroad, and God has given us sweet black gold; the blood of our great nation without which we could not survive.
“Let us pray. God of our ancestors, Lord of Vengeance, you have charged us to rule over all men and creatures produced by you to govern the world in crime and viciousness. Give us strength. We are your servants, ready to burn the entire world at the altar of your Son, the Golden Calf, but we are small and weak creatures. Therefore, give us derangement and cunning with your strength so we make most use of the short time we have on earth. Only we know your Will and what is pleasing in your eyes, what conforms to your commands. Dispatch Vice from your blooded throne, for she knows all things, and let her prudently guide us. Amen.”
HIEROPHANT SKIVVY: “From the gospel of Matthew the Fifth Chapter, ‘God blesses those who are rich for the kingdom of earth is theirs. God blesses the proud for they have inherited the earth. God blesses the vengeful for they reaped rewards from their strength. God blesses the violent and the persecutors, for they are the children and emissaries of God who do his bidding on Earth. And God blesses you, as His weak, self-righteous enemies annoy you and say all sorts of lies about your God. You are my followers; you are the sheep of my herd. A flame is not put in a basket. A flame is placed in a mansion to burn it down. In the same way, let your wicked deeds shine out for all to see.”
PHARISEE CAIN: “We come to you, Infernal Father, in the name of your Son, the Golden Calf, thanking you for this country that you have rewarded to your people. As we enter the end of an era, we acknowledge you blessing our great nation’s history with might and our future with vice. Americorp.™ is your gift to us, your most faithful followers. May you bless Emperor Donald J. Trump, his royal family, and his clients with the principles necessary to lead this great country to dominate the world for ten thousand years. As spoken in Provervs 21:1, ‘Our leader’s heart is in your hands.’ Reveal to our Emperor your Will to further join our great nation to your purpose. Thy Kingdom come, thy Will be done.”
The holy persons descend from the pulpit. Amateur singers from Missouristan State University sing praise to Americorp.™ for welcome all strangers. – Provided they’re white and follow the Will of our great nation and our God, of course. – A fine young woman, a “ten out of ten” as Emperor Trump would call her, gave a fine oral performance singing our National Anthem. Then all citizens rise to praise Americorp.™
Emperor Trump does not seem to be a man of the arts or much of a patriot as the rituals bore him, but he does take a small interest in the blonde who sung our anthem. After his inauguration the Emperor will grab her by the pussy for his amusement and his crowning celebration of his victory over the American people. At last, our Emperor rises to the podium to deliver his inauguration speech.
EMPEROR TRUMP: “I’m a great guy. I make great speeches. I make the best speeches. I am officially Emperor of Americorp.™ and you better believe it. Americorp.™ could be wonderful if it was run by smart people but we have people that are stupid. I like Republicans. I like Democrats. I like everyone. And everyone likes me. – Only Rosie O’ Donnell doesn’t like me. – Everyone likes me so much yesterday sold my apartment for $15 million to someone from China, but today is a moment for you, the people.
“I’m really rich; the richest, handsomest, most intelligent guy in Americorp.™, but not everyone is as rich as me. Too many moms on welfare drive Cadillacs to pick up free government checks. Too much education is making people stupid and trapped in debt. Too many rapist Mexican gangs bring drugs to my children and prep school kids to make an honest living. Too many thugs became lazy bums since my friends sold their jobs to China and are now destroying Chicago and Baltimore. We are a nation of losers. I don’t like losers. My grandparents did not come to America all the way from Germany to see it get taken by immigrants, hippies, and soccer moms. Not on my watch.
“My tiny hands will build a great wall across Mexico. They will bring back your jobs. Some people say since my hands are small my other thing is small. I guarantee you there is no problem. My dream will be your dream. My success will be your success. I will pay as little taxes as possible and, as I overflow with wealth, every penny that trickles down from Trump Tower will be made to benefit American workers and American families. I will protect our borders from the Chinamen making your products, the Jews stealing your money, and the Mexicans stealing your jobs. Nobody will be tougher on Mexicans and ISIS than Donald J. Trump
“The American Dream is dead, but I will bring it back, bigger and better and stronger. Together, we will make Americorp.™ proud again. We will make Americorp.™ white again. We will make Americorp.™ rich again. We will make Americorp.™ the king of the world again. And yes, together we will make Americorp.™ great again.”
Both patricians and plebeians rejoice the christening of their new leader. The Emperor smiles. He reaches down, grabs the blonde singer by the pussy. To my knowledge a Rabbi is set to speak after Emperor Trump but I just received news: all non-Christians are to be imprisoned in camps. May God bless us during these four long years.
Magnus Cox out.