Hoity Snoot Reviews: Tim Burton’s X-Men


Tim Burton’s X-Men is a typical PG rated movie fun for the whole family that only superficially resembles Tim Burton’s style. It is similar to modern goths, punks, hipsters, and other “alternative” people. They dress like rebels but act every bit like your typical white-collar office drone. Tim Burton himself went in that direction more than once. The quirky and macabre director who made A Nightmare Before Christmas and Coraline also made Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Alice in Wonderland, the latter is a typical action-adventure film that happened to be set in wonderland. So yeah, this movie is basically the Hot Topic of Tim Burton films.

So how did Tim Burton tackle the subject of the X-Men, now almost a genre in itself, complete with scores of shitty movies scheduled for production in the next ten years like SUVs on a factory line?

Well, he starts with Protagonist, a not too unusual boy who is really special but no one sees it yet. His kind, mentor-like grandpa, who is named Grandpa, is brutally murdered by a Hollow, an abomination straight from a Lovecraft novel. Protagonist journeys with his asshole dad, who is called Dumb Skeptic, to dreary, rainy Wales. This is a Tim Burton movie. It must take place in England and every character must drink tea and look whiter than sour cream.

Protagonist abandons his father; he falls down the rabbit hole to a wonderful, quirky, whimsical mansion where everyone is as cool and different as he is. This new cast includes Love Interest, a girl who is literally full of hot air and Jealous Guy, some guy who sulks all the time. A caretaker called Professor Peregrine Xavier watches over the children, protecting them from all the normies who just don’t understand what it’s like to be different.

But all is not well. Samuel L. Jackson, leader of the Hollows and token black man Tim Burton put in the film in a vain attempt to ward off whiny liberal critics, is mad as hell for not getting to swear in this movie, and he is out to kill a muthafucka’. He captures Professor Xavier for his dastardly scheme and, of course, violently kills a few people along the way.

Protagonist and his motley crew of rebels track down Samuel L. Jackson and foil his plans. Enough is enough! Samuel L. Jackson has had with these muthafuckin’ kids in his muthafuckin’ business! Everybody strap in! He’s about to open a fuckin’ can of whoopass! But, sadly, he never gets to because parental censorship. He dies, the day is saved, and Protagonist and Love Interest lose their virginity (off screen of course).

I cannot give any critical analysis or anything dumb like that for this movie because there is nothing to analyze. Just take your whiny preteen brat to this movie instead of letting them shop at Hot Topic. It is cheaper. You will thank me. If your child is not subdued, if he does not grow out of this phase, you must put your foot on the ground. Kindly remind your child he is just as boring, mediocre, and shallow as every other person in the world, and toss him out on the street to get a job to prove your point. Believe me, you will thank me.

~Hoity Snoot




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