Hoity Snoot Reviews: Tim Burton’s X-Men


Tim Burton’s X-Men is a typical PG rated movie fun for the whole family that only superficially resembles Tim Burton’s style. It is similar to modern goths, punks, hipsters, and other “alternative” people. They dress like rebels but act every bit like your typical white-collar office drone. Tim Burton himself went in that direction more than once. The quirky and macabre director who made A Nightmare Before Christmas and Coraline also made Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Alice in Wonderland, the latter is a typical action-adventure film that happened to be set in wonderland. So yeah, this movie is basically the Hot Topic of Tim Burton films.

So how did Tim Burton tackle the subject of the X-Men, now almost a genre in itself, complete with scores of shitty movies scheduled for production in the next ten years like SUVs on a factory line?

Well, he starts with Protagonist, a not too unusual boy who is really special but no one sees it yet. His kind, mentor-like grandpa, who is named Grandpa, is brutally murdered by a Hollow, an abomination straight from a Lovecraft novel. Protagonist journeys with his asshole dad, who is called Dumb Skeptic, to dreary, rainy Wales. This is a Tim Burton movie. It must take place in England and every character must drink tea and look whiter than sour cream.

Protagonist abandons his father; he falls down the rabbit hole to a wonderful, quirky, whimsical mansion where everyone is as cool and different as he is. This new cast includes Love Interest, a girl who is literally full of hot air and Jealous Guy, some guy who sulks all the time. A caretaker called Professor Peregrine Xavier watches over the children, protecting them from all the normies who just don’t understand what it’s like to be different.

But all is not well. Samuel L. Jackson, leader of the Hollows and token black man Tim Burton put in the film in a vain attempt to ward off whiny liberal critics, is mad as hell for not getting to swear in this movie, and he is out to kill a muthafucka’. He captures Professor Xavier for his dastardly scheme and, of course, violently kills a few people along the way.

Protagonist and his motley crew of rebels track down Samuel L. Jackson and foil his plans. Enough is enough! Samuel L. Jackson has had with these muthafuckin’ kids in his muthafuckin’ business! Everybody strap in! He’s about to open a fuckin’ can of whoopass! But, sadly, he never gets to because parental censorship. He dies, the day is saved, and Protagonist and Love Interest lose their virginity (off screen of course).

I cannot give any critical analysis or anything dumb like that for this movie because there is nothing to analyze. Just take your whiny preteen brat to this movie instead of letting them shop at Hot Topic. It is cheaper. You will thank me. If your child is not subdued, if he does not grow out of this phase, you must put your foot on the ground. Kindly remind your child he is just as boring, mediocre, and shallow as every other person in the world, and toss him out on the street to get a job to prove your point. Believe me, you will thank me.

~Hoity Snoot



Hoity Snoot Reviews: Pierrot Smiles Back


Pierrot Smiles Back is Sarah Silverman’s attempt to dramatize her struggles with depression on the big screen (or Netflix these days), with mixed reviews from critics. Most critics praised Sarah’s power as a dramatic actor; her talents being so great she made viewers completely forget the goofy frat girl Sarah everybody knows and loathes. However great Sarah’s performance was, she did not have the commitment from the rest of the cast, which detracted from the film.

But why I am I treating this film so heavily? It’s about depression, and everybody knows you just need to snap out of it and smile goddamnit. If that doesn’t work, take your Prozac. You should be relieved of your inner demons at the cost of your ability to feel anything. If that doesn’t work, you’re clearly a dumb, attention-seeking emo whore who should just kill herself already.

Everyone knows that comedians are deeply miserable people at heart who use their comedy to medicate themselves to keep their sanity together. Show business is no laughing matter. And Sarah does show the depth of that misery through her weeping, rages, and reckless acts despite her bumbling costars.

Sarah plays herself in the film, as she does in everything because she is that egotistical. She is an affluent housewife who, strangely enough, suffers depression. It is odd. What does she have to be depressed about? She is white, she doesn’t have to work in a tollbooth for eight hours a day, her husband does not abuse her, she has two happy loving children, and she drives a sleek Dodge van with folding seats that destroys the earth’s atmosphere each passing minute.

Yet she willfully destroys her life. The perverse woman snorts powdered sugar with rolled up one hundred dollar bills, she cuckolds her husband by having buttsex with shady men in bars, she raves at some dumb hippie mom for saying Thanksgiving is genocide, and destroys her husband’s deal with a customer by calling his wife a whore.

Sarah clearly wants you to view her character as tragic and wants you to sympathize with her. I do sympathize with her despite her many faults because I know how terrible mental illness is, as I have OCD and mild depression. When such demons grip you in full force they distort everything you see about the world and yourself. They shut out everything else in your life until all that exists is your self-absorbed pain and self-loathing. At its worst depression is like a constant pain that never goes away. It is almost physical.

At the very start of the film you see a close shot of Sarah’s face. Her eyes are as dark and bleak as the deepest pit of Hell as she numbly stares at what can only be called an abyss inside you. This is what being possessed by your demons looks like. Now steal my idea and win yourself an Oscar or a Noble Prize in Literature, you pretentious prick.

~Hoity Snoot

Hoity Snoot Reviews: Leaving Behind Bobby Fischer


Coming to the big screen, Josh Waitzkin stars in Leaving Behind Bobby Fischer, a dramatization of his early life as a chess child superstar. Know-it-all critics at Rotten Tomatoes generally describe the movie as a coming of age story that pleads for introspection and decency. But what they miss is what Josh outgrows in the first place and that is Bobby Fischer.

Josh is at heart an ordinary kid who loves to play baseball and legos. He also loves to play chess with drug addicts, hustlers, and other typical wholesome inner city residents in Washington Square Park. It is in this muddy water where his chess talents begin to bloom as a lotus. His father encourages Josh’s talent and gets him a drunk bitter Irishman failure for a chess teacher.

The two jaded adults live vicariously through the small boy, burdening him with adult expectations and responsibility. Josh strains under the pressure and meets his rival, Jonathan Poe, a child chess machine who is what Josh is in danger of becoming. Poe is a mean-spirited arrogant little shit completely lacking in normal human behavior and emotions. His father, unsurprisingly, is another bitter failure who vicariously lives through his son.

Josh and Poe face off in a national championship for tots who still wet their beds and pick their noses in public. Josh remembers the advice of his very first teacher, the drug addict street hustler and the most human chess player in the film, and plays the man, not the board. Josh takes advantage of Poe’s arrogance to avoid a draw and claim victory. The movie ends with Josh reflecting on Bobby Fischer’s influence on chess and America.

Yes, the actual title of the movie is Searching for Bobby Fischer but what really happens is Josh leaves him. The stunted Poe is, as a bystander claimed, “the next Fischer”. Bobby Fischer never appears in the film in person. He is an icon, a symbol, but Josh finally sees him in person through Poe, and it is not a pretty sight. Poe has no life outside of chess and his father even stopped him from going to school and playing with other kids

Bobby Fischer was a great chess player; that cannot be questioned, but he was a failure as a human being. He had a superficial and one-dimensional understanding of the world, he knew little of human contact and intimacy, and he was an easy dupe to the anti-Semitic and anti-communist propaganda of his time. Americans hailed him as an all-American hero before he turned his back on them, glorying in the deaths of the victims of 9/11.

He is exactly the kind of person Josh doesn’t want to be. His mother rightfully senses that he fears losing his father’s love and protects Josh from losing his humanity, the thing far more important than chess. Too many gifted children are raised wrong, closed off in ivory towers as they are deemed too special for us mere mortals. This creates a stunted person unable to deal with the real world. I should know. My dad was raised a similar way by his parents, and he became an abusive, irresponsible person who damaged many people. Thankfully, Josh avoids that path and transcends that mentality.

~Hoity Snoot



Hoity Snoot Reviews: Harry Potter and the Muggle Death Eaters


Quite some time passed between Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. What most people don’t know, however, is Harry Potter’s adventure in between: Harry Potter and the Muggle Death Eaters.

The film begins in the Ministry of Magic where Harry’s boss, bored with her high status, assigns Harry Potter a secret mission. Harry must infiltrate a group of muggle death eaters, informally known as Neo Nazis, White Nationalists, and the Alt Right by muggles, to stop them from poisoning a city’s water supply. Harry agrees to the task, shaving his spiky black hair, covering up his lightning bolt scar, and reading Nazi literature.

Harry acclimates himself well to the muggle death eaters, meeting all sorts of interesting people. He graces himself with dignitaries such as Rush Limbaugh; an entertainer who hosts radio shows in his basement and David Duke; the soft-spoken but completely fucking insane leader of the death eaters. He acquaints himself to other royals of the master race, including a crazy skinhead, a thuggish skinhead, and a poor kid skinhead.

Harry’s secret agent job is difficult, as too many death eaters are suspicious of him. He helps the Ministry capture Rush Limbaugh, who admits to his captors that he tells stupid muggles lies they want to hear to make a living. But Harry also cozies up to David Duke, the muggle equivalent to Lord Voldemort, and sees a fellow man with very human passions, hopes, and fears. Yes, death eaters are people too.

David Duke nearly succeeds in poisoning all the mudbloods in the city but Harry and the Ministry bust him right on time. Harry and his boss reflect how fascism and other radical ideologies are all founded on resentment and victimization before sharing a butterbeer together at an English pub. The muggle world carries on, oblivious and apathetic to everything that happened.

Harry Potter and the Muggle Death Eaters is an exploration of the diseases infecting white America from the inside out, diseases created by feelings of fear, resentment, and entitlement to their dwindling social and economic advantages. While America’s decline is a complicated history with many factors and destroys the lives of nonwhites even worse than those of poor and middle class whites, the death eaters focus their confusion and rage on a single target. I need not mention whom.

This makes them gullible and incompetent, as a conman like Rush Limbaugh easily swindles them with obvious propaganda. The master race, mighty and strong as they are, is easily outmatched by a group of teen anarchist punks on the street. They can’t even poison a city let alone defeat the ZOG machine.

While a fair share of muggle death eaters are poor dumb skinheads, Harry’s biggest rivals are affluent, eloquent, and highly educated. David Duke lives in a large house, has a huge library, and listens to Brahms. He is the model of the American family man. Contrary to popular belief, the most conservative of Americans are not poor, undereducated whites but middle class, college-educated whites. They were the largest demographic to vote for Trump in the 2016 election.

It is important to see how radical ideologies gradually seep from the fringes of society to the mainstream, usually to lie dormant until released. This happens across the left and right of politics, as many militant anarchists and fascists are middle class. Trump appealed to the resentment and underlying racism and fear of white middle class Americans during his campaign, a resentment that was cultivated by decades of coded language and fear mongering. It wasn’t the only important factor that got him into office but it is a big one.

~Hoity Snoot

Yugioh Children of Prometheus 2: Duel 31 – War Inc.

Team Baby Blast Furnace: 7300 || Team Dynamic Duo: 6700

Umbra desperately rushes over to his bruised comrade. Thanks to their trickery the two Ghouls felt no drills penetrating into their necks but the damage done from their opponent’s attacks shook them more than any foul play could. Umbra slaps the face of small friend, “Wake up, shrimp!” He cries. “Wake up! Wake up!”

Maya laughs, a high, cold, cruel cackle, enough to make even Yukio’s hot blood run cold. She eyes them, grinning like a crocodile about to devour its pray. Yukio always knew Maya was a difficult person; she is hot-tempered, rash, manipulative, jealous, and greedy; but he always knew she was a creature of light at heart. But he didn’t think that a bright light casts a dark shadow. At this moment he finally sees, understands, how dark that shadow could be.

She counts with her fingers in cruel ridicule, “This little piggy went to the market. He got butchered; so this little piggy went wee, wee all the way home. Now tell me where Sophia is, you dorks, or I’ll make you two rue the day you were born.”

Umbra glares at the cruel, spiteful woman, too hurt and afraid to even be angry. Egyptian mythology spoke of a lion goddess named Sekhmet who nearly destroyed the entire human race in a blood-soaked fury. He was agnostic throughout his life but he does wonder at this moment if gods could become people.

He slaps Lumis’ face again. “Come on, wake up, you shrimp! Please don’t die on me! I-“ The grown man, the hardened criminal, cries as a baby. Anything is possible. He whisperers, chokes, “I-I l-love you.”

Lumis gags, wakens, and hits Umbra in the face. “Don’t call me a shrimp!” He berates his partner but Umbra doesn’t mind. He is so glad his partner in crime is safe he hugs him.

“Trouble in paradise.” Maya mutters to herself in disgust. She tells her opponents with a murderous tone, “Siegfried, Rory, this is not the backstage of an Elton John concert. Get on with the duel already, you pathetic cowards.”

Umbra helps his small friend up, which Lumis gladly accepts. They speak to each other, not through secret mics, but face to face. “We have to max out our teamwork to beat them. Nothing can beat us when we work together.”

LUMIS’ TURN: “I activate Kyoutou Waterfront again.” And again his coastal city takes form behind him. “I Summon Kaiju Embryo.” A larvae only half of Lumis’ size takes form and floats in the field, a dramatic contrast to the massive Kaijus.

“So the shrimp forgets how small he is.” Maya taunts him. “Come at me, bro.”

Yukio honestly wonders who the bad guys are. Umbra and Lumis look like angels next to the barbaric tiger next to him.

UMBRA’S TURN: “You’re move will not be in vain, partner. I play Pre-Preparation of Rights to search for a Ritual Monster and Ritual Spell. Next, my Ritual activates; End of the World. I sacrifice my Motley Masked Madman in my hand and Lumis Kaiju Embryo.” The two monsters vanish into a dark void made manifest. “Now arise, Demise, King of  Armageddon.” A terrifying tyrant emerges from the black void; the giant’s head but a skull.

“I pay 2000 Life Points! Demise, blow up the field!” The king swings its ax, carving a blazing gorge on the field, wiping out all monsters in sight but itself. “I banish Masked Madman from my Grave to Summon Melchid the Four-Faced Beast from my Deck, and I Tribute him and Armageddon to Summon Masked Beast Des Gardius!” A fiend of four floating heads fused together appears but soon it and the dark king vanish in black smoke, trading them for a giant scarred beast with three heads.

Maya growls. She knows what’s coming to her.

“Des Gardius, attack Maya!” And the masked beast slashes Maya’s chest, drawing huge amounts of blood. (Team Baby Blast Furnace 7800 à 4500) Maya falls to her knees, grabbing her chest but stands up again. Her face shows nothing but contempt at the two men.

“Talk about a tough cookie.” Umbra grumbles. He ends his turn.

YUKIO’S TURN: “Don’t think I’m a pushover just because I’m nice. You’re still the bullies here, Crabbe and Goyle. I play Foolish Burial, sending Performage Trick Clown from my Deck to the Grave. And since he went there, I Summon him.” A bright red clown jumped to the field with its bright red and orange ball. The clown’s appearance burned 1000 of Yukio’s Life but it’s a price he has no problem playing. Especially since, “I Summon Thousand Blades from my Grave.” The wielder of many swords stands next to the clown.

“I play Xyz Change Tactics. Get ready for a bumpy ride.” He overlays the two creatures to Summon Number 39: Utopia from another universe, quickly evolves it Number S39: Utopia Prime, and finally Summons Number S39: Utopia the Lightning. He pays 1500 Life and draws 3 cards throughout the ordeal.

He faces Maya, stern. He must make his points clear. “I will only work with you if you stop being so cruel.”

“I want Sophia safe.” Maya answers. “Don’t put their lives ahead of hers.” And Maya means it more than ever. Sophia is the most sensitive soul Maya ever knew, an angel; a woman like her long lost mother, but stronger, holding an immeasurable inner light. The two cockroaches across her do not deserve the time of day.

Yukio says, “I understand but you can’t duel with hatred in your heart. You won’t truly win anything. Promise me you will duel with a calm and clear mind. Please trust me.”

Maya sighs, breaths in and out, concentrating on Sophia and the warm, positive light she brings. The poison of her hate leaves but the volcanic anger remains but it sharpens her senses instead of dulling them. “I trust you.”

“Good. Utopia Lightning, clock out Des Gardius.” As his space warrior charges at the black beast, Yukio activates his monster’s effect, doubling its ATK, giving it the power to shatter its enemy. (Team Dynamic Duo LP 3000) But all is not done. The beast’s three heads remain. They dissolve in black mist, mixing together to creating a gruesome mask. The Mask of Remnant snatches Yukio’s monster, putting it in Umbra’s control.

Yukio Sets two cards facedown, finishing his turn.

MAYA’S TURN: She understands Yukio’s strategy. It all makes sense now. Let this be the killing move! “I activate my Set Nanosaur Invasion.” She banishes a card in her hand, letting three red, dragon-like Lizardon tear through dimensions. “And I overlay all of them to Xyz Summon Neo Galaxy-Eyes Photon Dragon!” The dinosaurs fly high above, merge in a place beyond space and time, allowing a bright blue dragon descend from the cosmic plane to the worldly.

“And I use its effect.” But the Xyz orbs from Umbra’s monsters vanish, not hers! In fact, her dragon absorbs them. “I absorbed 2 Materials, so I can attack 2 more times. You ready, Thing One and Thing Two? Galaxy-Eyes, break them to pieces!” Her dragon charges straight at Umbra’s only monster –

But Lumis acts quickly. He banishes his dead Kaiju Embryo, and before Maya knows it, her dragon vanishes, replaced by Lumis’ Gameciel. Maya’s disappointment is immense. The old sea turtle returned from the grave just to bother her.

Maya’s anger rises but she keeps it under check. “I Set two cards. You’re move.” She holds another risky strategy in store. She took one direct hit too many. Could she endure another one? Hopefully she won’t find out.

LUMIS’ TURN: “I pay 3 Kaiju Counters,” Three stars vanish from the top of the water tower behind him. “To add a Kaiju to my hand.  I Summon Dogoran, the Mad Flame Kaiju.” A lizard burning its own flames emerges behind him.

Yukio points to huge monster in mock horror. “WOOK! IT’S GODZIWWA!”

Lumis chuckles. “You’re racist self-deprecating jokes won’t save you. Not in a million years, I tell you.

“I summon Graydle Cobra.” A new kind of creature joins the arsenal, a grey alien slime taking the form of a snake. “Gradyle Cobra, take out Gameciel.” The cobra clearly is no match for the sea turtle. It gets easily crushed. (Team Dynamic Duo LP 3000 à 1800) But there is a catch, as our heroes suspect. The alien slime does not die. It seizes the huge turtle, stretches around it until it wraps it all around. Possessed, the turtle joins Lumis’ side. “Now Dogoran, attack Maya!” The fire-breathing lizard fires a shot at her.

Yukio counters, “I play Quaking Mirror Force.” The desert sand of Egypt blocks the monsters’ assault as a wall, the overpowers them as a blanket, forcing them facedown.

Lumis Sets a card facedown; his greatest and final trap.

UMBRA’S TURN: “I play Pot of Avarice, shuffling 5 cards from my Grave to my Deck, and drawing 2. And I activate Fulfillment of the Contract.” Umbra loses 800 Life, reviving The Masked Beast. “I’ll make you pay for how you treated my partner! Strike Maya directly!”

The beast gathers all the hatred and sorrow of the world into a dense ball of black energy and blasts it as a beam straight for Maya’s chest. The attack meets her head on, driving her many feet back. She collapses, her burned back on the rough sand. The drills in her bomb collar drive themselves so deep in her neck they nearly paralyze her. (Team Baby Blast Furnace 4500 à 1300)

Yukio recovers from his drills and rushes to her aid. He grabs her in his arms, asking if she is okay. “You shouldn’t have been in this duel. You took too much damage before it even started.”

Maya laughs, joking, “I wouldn’t trade dueling with you for all the coked up Wall St. buttsex in the entire world.”

Yukio chuckles at her black humor. “I love you.”

Maya kisses him in return. “I wanted to get attacked, not just to show my love.” She tries to stand, failing. Yukio helps her up. She makes her way back to the field, wobbling a bit, but strong as ever, her smile truly wicked. “Get ready, Laurel and Hardy. This is your last slapstick. Go, Inferno Tempest!”

Umbra and Lumis gasp in horror as a hellish wildfire swamps everyone’s field, banishing every monster outside the Extra Deck. Maya’s Soul Absorption kicks into overdrive, gorging our heroes up to 20,000 Life!

“I-I set a…” Umbra can’t even finish his sentence.

YUKIO’S TURN: “Witness our power together! I play my greatest trap, Utopia Achieved!!” The team lost all their Life, all 20,000 points until only 10 points remained. “I can play any Utopia monster and attack ALL monsters outside my Extra Deck as Materials!” No less than 22 stars circle the arena before falling through a wormhole. Yukio’s greatest monster, Number S0: Utopic ZEXAL, bursts forth with 22,000 ATK!”

“Prepare yourself, Umbra! Lumis can’t defend you! Utopia, direct attack!” The space warrior flies at him, sword ready to strike the killing blow.

“I defend myself with Mask of Invincibility!” Umbra counters, his mask deflects the massive strike with its two open palms. “We’re safe!”

MAYA’S TURN: “Sure, but for how long?” Maya rejoins. “You’ll go for 22 whole turns without doing anything.” She strikes a predator’s gaze at Lumis. “How long can you last, shrimp?”

Lumis heats white in anger, a temple bulges dangerously on his bald head. But he feels fear, even in this state.

Maya continues, “As Yukio ends his turn, I bring back 3 banished Fish Styx!” Three large, prehistoric fish return. “I don’t draw this turn but during my Standby Phase I bring back 3 banished Dinosaur-Types to my hand. I overlay all three Fish Styx to Xyz Summon Nanosaur Infinity!” Her three fish disappear to reveal a small, fiery orange sentient raptor aiming its two large gums at the Ghouls. “I detach all 3 Materials to Summon my 3 Celestine Ptera from my hand.” The three great pterosaurs once more grace the field.

“And I overlay all of them to Xyz Summon Number 92: Heart-eartH Dragon!” Her monsters fly to their zenith, collapsing together, allowing a large silver dragon to descend. “I activate my trap, Nanosaur Invasion!” She banishes a card in her hand, bringing back 3 fiery, deadly Lizardon to her field. “I overlay 2 of them to Xyz Summon Galaxy-Eyes Full Armor Photon Dragon!” Her great dragon of the stars arrives, but Maya is far from done. She mercilessly continues her rapid evolution, Summoning Number 95: Galaxy-Eyes Dark Matter Dragon, advancing to the massive spider Number 84: Pain Gainer, finally to an even deadlier arachnid, “I Summon Number 77: The Seven Sins!”

Lumis shutters at the sight of such awesome creatures. Never does he feel so small and weak. If only they struck her one more time directly! One more time! But all “ifs” from the past are in vain.

Maya commands, “Monsters, attack!” God of dragons and god of spiders throw their blackest magic, blacker than any Dark Game.

Lumis shouts, “I activate Mask Catastrophe!” 7 cards float from the Ghouls’ Graveyards to the field: Curse of the Masked Beast, Masked Beast, Masked Beast Des Gardius, Mask of Savagery, Mask of Exhile, Mask of Dissipation, even Mask of Invincibility. “I banish every “Mask” card we have to destroy your whole field! Better yet, you can’t counter it!” All their masks fuse into one final mask, depicting a god of all evil, darkness, and chaos in the universe. The wicked mask bursts, shattering every card on our heroes’ fields; every monster, Spell, and Trap gone.

But a small hole in space-time remains on Maya’s field. “You destroyed Heart-eartH dragon, so I can bring it back!” The hole widens to a chasm, her dragon slithers back into play, now surrounded by innumerable stars above. “It gains 1000 ATK for every banished monster in this game!” The stars fall, merging into the godly dragon, making it grow until it dwarves the Egyptian Gods themselves. “90,000 ATK!”

Umbra is struck dumb at such a sight. “T-This can’t be r-real!” Seto Kaiba’s Obelisk the Tormentor, the strongest monster that ever defeated him, was puny in comparison. Lumis desperately cries for his mother to rescue him.

Victory sings through Maya’s entire body. Victory was hers and Yukio’s! But she pauses. Attacking would mean their deaths, wouldn’t it? Her outstretched arm begins to shake. Could she be a killer?

She steels her mind. She is not. Umbra and Lumis would die by their own hands, by the rules of their own twisted game, not hers. She shoots her arm to the sky, the general giving the final salute to her troops. “Heart-eartH Dragon, finish this duel!”

Her greatest monster strikes with its blackest power, blacker than any Dark Game, shattering the Ghouls apart.

Team Baby Blast Furnace: 510 || Team Dynamic Duo: 0

Maya let go. She would have fallen on the ground had Yukio not caught her. Umbra and Lumis recovered, running to each other for comfort. They snapped their bomb collars with ease, displaying their cowardice for the last time.

Yukio scoffed at their craven ways, “Some game of death his turned out to be.”

“Oh, it is!” A voice rang out, low, raspy, depraved.

The two Ghouls huddled together in fear. “Who is that?” Lumis called out, his voice close to trembling.

Our heroes witnessed a fiery shade gather into the form of a man they had never seen before; a large, monstrous, obese man fattened and callous over decades if not centuries of cruel indulgences.

The fiery shade of the man seemed to smirk. He lifted his right hand, putting his thumb down. Umbra screamed, his head inflating as a balloon, the final moments of his life filled with unbearable terror and agony. His head burst in a bloody shower, the large corpse brought to the ground.

Lumis screamed at the ghastly sight. The flaming projection of the fat man thrust his left thumb down. Lumis wailed for his mother in the last moments of his life before meeting the same wretched fate as his dear friend and partner. They would remain together in death forevermore. Our heroes couldn’t even scream. They froze numb witnessing such terror and cruelty.

The burning shadow of the fat man laughed at their foolishness and weakness. He said with finality, “War is a business. If the stock drops you cut your losses and plan the next investment. The wars of the world are but films in a theatre, you fools; the powerful of this world witness the deaths of infantry and generals the way you witness death on television. If Fate bestows you, dear foot soldiers, with her favors this day you may live to discover the true art of war.”

The man vanishes, leaving our heroes alone. Yukio didn’t know how to feel about Maya. He hated her for ending the duel but doubted he ever had the courage to act as she did. Maya didn’t know how to feel about anything. Only Sophia’s safety was clear to her.

The theatre of war around them died down. The smoke cleared, revealing the victors. The Saints, Stella, her crew, Hassan, his superior, and their soldiers all arrived.

“Thank God you are safe!” The Saints said to our heroes.

Yukio gave a fracture of a weary smile. “We had a rough day.” He was right. He and Maya suffered black bruises all over their body. Deranged, Maya called for Sophia one last time before fainting.


Yugioh Children of Prometheus 2: Duel 30 – Survival Duel

Lumis just had to disclose his ingenious idea to the whole world. “I outfitted your bomb collars with an extra kink. But,” Even he had the restraint not to tell everything. “I won’t tell you what the twist is.” You have a little surprise coming your way, I tell you.”

Yukio remarked, “I didn’t have German dungeon porn in mind.”

“Hey Cornholio!” Maya called out Lumis. “You better prepare your anus because you’re gonna’ get the biggest teepee you ever saw straight up your bunghole.”

Yukio concurred with his partner. “We mean it, Dumb and Dumber. You’ll have prolapsed assholes for life after we’re done with you.”

Lumis fumes at our heroes’ insults while Umbra takes the trash talk in stride. The larger Ghoul says, “Looks like we got ourselves a pair of jokers. But we’ll have the last laugh.” He makes a terrible, sinister smile. “You’re both in for a very bumpy ride.”

“What’s with this tournament and sex?” Yukio exclaims in genuine bafflement. “Can we start the duel already!”

Team Dynamic Duo: 16000 || Team Baby Blast Furnace: 16000

YUKIO’S TURN: “I’ll start the duel with Spell Economics. I don’t pay any Life to play Spell Cards. Like this one, A Hero Lives! I Summon Elemental HERO Shadow Mist from my Deck.” The dark vigilante in black leather leaps into play from nowhere. “I add Mask Change from my Deck to my hand. Next, Instant Fusion!” A large sealed can appears and opens on stage, the released mist forming a masked, stocky man in a lab coat. “Elemental HERO Bubble Scientist lets me call forth Elemental HERO Bubbleman from my Deck.” And another stocky man, but in a blue, cyborg suit, appears.

Umbra looks intrigued. “A Masked Treatoad combo?”

“You got it! I overlay Bubble Scientist and Bubbleman for Bahamut Shark!” The two heroes fall through the overlay network and a dinosaur-shark fusion falls out on the other side. “I use its effect to Summon Treatoad right from the Extra Deck!” And a pair of pale toads swims up from a watery hole to the surface, one on top of the other. “I set one. My turn ends.”

MAYA’S TURN: She and Yukio have no idea what strategy the two Ghouls have up their sleeve. They should build a wall, wait this turn, then kill them. She thinks, “Sophia, I’m coming for you.”

Out loud, “I play Soul Absorption! Each time a card is banished we gain 500 Life. I play Pot of Cupidity. I banish my top 10 cards to draw 2.” Her Spell glows a bright teal as the team gains 5000 Life. “I Summon Necroface and activate it.” The cracked, corrupted baby doll face appears. It’s tentacles reach out, drawing forth energy from another dimension, growing in strength. Maya shuffles all her banished cards back in her Deck.

“Next, Fire Mountain!” Her side of the field transmogrifies into a part of the earth in its earliest days, a molten volcano looming behind her. “I use its effect to banish a FIRE monster in my Deck; D.D. Velociraptor. I then use its effect to banish another Velociraptor from my Deck. I activate Ghosts and Stars. I bring back a banished monster. I Summon D.D. Velociraptor and with its effect Summon the second one.” Two fiery red dinosaurs emerge from the volcano.

“Go time! I overlay them to Xyz Summon Evolzar Laggia!” The dinosaurs dissolve into balls of flame as a fiery white dragon emerges from the overlay wormhole. “I set a card facedown. My turn’s done.”

She allows herself a moment of personal reflection. Everyone evolved so much over the years, not just her. As Rex said, she is far from the only antimeta duelist. She must push further or the trendsetter herself will fall behind. But how?

LUMIS’ TURN: He laughs with menace. “No boss monsters can stop us, least of all yours. We designed our Decks so no one can sit on their favorite cards. Observe. I tribute YOUR Laggia,” He points at Maya. “to Summon Gameciel, the Sea Turtle Kaiju on your field. Try negating that!” True to Lumis’ words, there is nothing Maya can do. He didn’t activate anything. Her monster simply vanishes, replaced by a monstrous creature from the ocean’s depths.

“Now you have a Kaiju, I get one too. I Summon Thunder King, the Lightningstrike Kaiju!” A huge thunderous bird appears on Lumis’ field. “One for you. One for me. Now Yukio’s turn to suffer. Thunder Kind, kill Treatoad!” His creature of the heavens flash fries Yukio’s key monster. (Team Baby Blast Furnace LP 21500 à 20400)

Both Maya and Yukio feel a terrible pain in their necks, like nails were being drilled in at all sides. To their horror they see blood trickle down their necks into their shirts.

Lumis jumps up and down with glee, as if it was his birthday. “Surprise! Each time you lose Life, you lose a little blood. Lose all your Life and the drills destroy your spine, but it may hit an artery bore then! It’s our gift, just for you!”

Yukio burns with hatred at them. What dirty cowards! But he breaths deep, calming down, or trying to. He says, “Since Treatoad died I return a WATER monster, Bubble Scientist, to my Extra Deck.”

Lumis ignores the play. It is irrelevant. “I play three spells. Mask of Dissapointment to negate Maya’s Soul Absorption, my Soul Absorption, and Kyoutou Waterfront.” A large, gloomy mask covers Maya’s Permanent Spell while Lumis gets his own. Furthermore, skyscrapers and a huge water tower sprout from the sand and rock behind him. “I end with a card facedown.”

He gestures to Umbra. “Your turn, partner.”

Yukio warns his own partner, “We must be careful to not banish cards so easily. They’ll gain Life too.”

UMBRA’S TURN: “Gladly, friend. I play Soul Absorption!”

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Maya shouts in outrage.

Lumis says, “You think this is a motherfuckin’ game? We know your strategies so of course we took countermeasures. Got it?”

Umbra chuckles, “Well said, partner. Allow me to bury them. I play Pre-preparation of Rights. I add a Ritual Spell and Monster to my deck.” Lumis’ Waterfront gained a Kaiju Counter Umbra’s used up Spell went to his Graveyard, a bright star appeared on top of the water tower.

“Not if I can help it!” Yukio counters. “I play my facedown Mask Change. I tribute Shadow Mist to Summon Elemental HERO Dark Law!” His hero puts on a new mask, transforming into a larger, darker creature. “And since you put cards in your hand, I use its effect.” The new warrior of the night fires a blast at Umbra’s hand, hitting one card.

But it isn’t any of the Ritual cards. Yukio curses. Umbra smirks, “Big gamble, kid. But you lost! And we gain 1,000 Life!”

Maya is furious. “You just told me not to banish cards! Now you’re doing it, you damned hypocrite! Thanks for giving Bush and Cheney over there extra Life!”

Yukio realizes his mistake. He tries to explain, “It could’ve stopped Umbra’s combo.” But Maya hears none of it. She heaps even more blame on him.

Umbra talks to Lumis incognito, using a small microphone in their masks. “We got them fighting. Now there’s no chance they’ll win.” Lumis nods eagerly. He could drink to that.

Umbra says, “I play Curse of the Masked Beast, offering a monster in my hand to Summon Masked Beast!” A Level 8 monster, a queen of the End of Times, descends into a savage cauldron. A bicorporal monster wielding a cudgel emerges, a hideous mask nailed to its face. “I equip it with Mask of Savagery and Stellar Scattershot!” The ugly beast puts on an even more frightening mask while it dons starry silver armor to cover its bare chest. “Its ATK doubles and it can attack all your monsters.”

“Uh-Oh.” Maya and Yukio are in for a wicked beat down.

“Masked Beast, kill everything in sight!” Umbra commands. His malformed creature obliges, smashing all of its opponents with its cudgel. The wrath of its assault throws our heroes up in the air. (Team Baby Blast Furnace 20400 à 8400) Meanwhile, Lumis’ Waterfront gains 4 more Counters.

“Thanks for ruining our game.” Maya hisses like an angry goose. “I built my strategy for US but they turned it against US. And you helped!”

“No, you built your strategy for YOU!” Yukio shouts back. “You are the most selfish and manipulative person I’ve ever met!”

“Those are bad things? What are you, Christian?”

“Read too much continental philosophy? Because you’re so edgy right now!”

Umbra and Lumis enjoy every minute of our couple’s quarreling, so much so they would popcorn if they could. Mission accomplished. Took just two turns and they already divorced. But what’s this? Yukio is making his next move.

Umbra whispers to Lumis over their mask mics, “Attack Maya directly each time you can. She’s the more bruised of the two.” Lumis nods in agreement.

YUKIO’S TURN: “If Maya won’t help me beat you, then I’ll do it myself. I play Brilliant Fusion!”

“Uh-uh!” Lumis wags his thick, short finger at him. “I activate Mask of Exile!” A huge, voodoo mask, embedded with large jagged teeth, appears above him. He spoke slowly, sternly, as if his enemies could read his lips. “No one. Can play. Any monsters. From. The. Extra Deck.”

Yukio and Maya are devastated while Umbra and Lumis ridicule their misery. Yukio shakes his head in disgust. He sets one monster facedown, ending his turn.

MAYA’S TURN: As she enters her Stanby Phase, Lumis wags his finger at her.

“Uh-uh! You lose 700 Life each Standby Phase, got it!” He reminds her.

Maya would’ve liked to bite that little shit’s finger off more than anything in the world. But she is utterly powerless. She can win the Duel on their own, but it is a risky move. She sets a card facedown, ending her turn.

LUMIS’ TURN: “I pay 3 Kaiju Counters to add a Kaiju from my Deck to my hand.” Three stars vanish from the top of the water tower. “I activate Masked Doll. We can’t take any damage from “Mask” cards.”

“Thunder King, destroy Yukio’s monster.” His mighty lord of thunder showers the wrath of the skies on Yukio’s poor creature, a warrior carrying many swords with him. “I end my turn.”

UMBRA’S TURN: “Thanks to Lumis’ Masked Doll, I don’t pay half my Life. But my monster still gets to double its ATK!” Nothing happens, puzzling Umbra. “Why?”

“Read the fine print, Butthead.” Maya rebukes him. “You can only double its ATK after you paid half your Life.”

“You won’t be so feisty after I thrash you some more. How are your burns by the way? Matthew really did a number on you.”

Maya didn’t feel anything during the Duel until now, when Umbra reminded her. She winces in pain, now painfully aware of her injuries. And she is about to receive more.

“Masked Beast, attack Maya!” Umbra’s creature born from nightmares unleashes its assault. Yukio tries to block its path but he is too slow. The beast slams Maya with its cudgel. Maya would double down in pain over her injured stomach if she could, but she landed on her back. Her burned back hurt even more against the rough sand. (Team Baby Blast Furnace LP 7700 à 1300)

Yukio rushes to pull her up, asking if she’s all right, but she pushes him away, still angry at his blunder. She wastes no time springing her trap, her anger fueled by her pain. “I activate Mass Extinction!” She sends 6 Dinosaur-Type monster from her Deck to the Graveyard as she lost over 6000 Life. Every dinosaur Maya milled appears above her, engaged in flaming meteors. “SMASH THEM!”

Hell rains from the skies, barraging the Ghouls’ field in a storm of fire and brimstone. The Masked Beast perishes, as does the Ghouls’ Soul Absorptions and Maya’s own prehistoric field, while Mask of Exile breaks into pieces and burns to ash. But the meteors bounce off Lumis’ Mask of Dissipation and Kyoutou Waterfront.

Lumis explains, “My Mask can’t be destroyed by card effects while my Waterfront lost a Counter to stay safe.”

Maya groans. This Duel will last a long time. Suddenly, she and Yukio feels the drills of the bomb collar dig into their necks, releasing more blood.

Yukio approaches her. “We have to work as a team if we want to win. They’re doing a splendid job at it. Can’t say the same thing about us.”

Maya took a moment to lean on Yukio for support. She says, “I’m so sorry I got mad at you. I wish I didn’t get angry so often.”

Yukio leans on her too, shielding her from harm. “I’m fine. Use your anger to pummel Ren and Stimpy over there. We must work as a team, no matter what.”

“But if we do, they may figure out our strategies.”

“But there is a way we can go beneath the radar.”

Maya understands what he means. “I set things up for you. Make it count.”

The couple resume their positions. Yukio says to the Ghouls, “Now you will feel my righteous anger you cowardly scum!” He says to Maya. “Together we will reach the skies with our wings.”

YUKIO’S TURN: “I play Monster Reborn to revive Maya’s Celestine Ptera from her Graveyard.” The largest of all pterosaurs emerges from the grave, spreading its 30-foot wings to their full span.

This move startles Umbra and Lumis, but before they can process what just happened, Maya interjects, “Yukio’s move triggered my Quickplay Spell, Infernal Reckless Summon! I Summon two Celestine Ptera from my Grave!” Two more pterosaurs join the first.

“I activate Celestine Ptera’s effect.” Yukio resumes. “I bounce Maya’s Soul Absorption to bounce Lumis’ Waterfront.” The great dinosaur flaps two gusts of wind and sand, one with each wing. The first rids the field of Maya’s card, the second sweeps away Lumis’, returning the Ghoul to the desert. “And since Soul Absorption left the field, Mask of Dissipation dies.”

Lumis’ temper begins to rise as his Mask vanishes. They figured out to get rid of it!

Yukio orders, “Ptera, strike Umbra!” The pterosaur crashes into Umbra, forcing him down on the ground. (Team Dynamic Duo LP 19000 à 17700)

MAYA’S TURN: “I activate Soul Absorption again. This time it will help us. Next I play Extinction Record. I choose to banish 1 Dinosaur-Type monster, 1 Celestine Ptera.” The large dinosaur vanished. “And draw 2 cards. I play Dragon’s Mirror! I banish the other Celestine Ptera and 10 other Dinosaur –Types from my Graveyard to Summon Red-Eyes Black Berserk Dragon!”

A purple, jeweled mirror rose behind Maya while each of her dead monsters rose from her Graveyard as specters. Her living dinosaur flies into the mirror and her dead dinosaurs follow suit. An awesome black dragon bursts from the other side, shattering the mirror. Her Soul Absorption glows, blessing the team with 5,500 Life!

Lumis fumes, jittering with anger more while Umbra scowls in worry.

“Hey Bart and Milhouse! Principle Skinner’s coming for you!” Maya calls out. “Red-Eyes strike down the weakest link!” Her huge, black, undead dragon breaths the black flames of the underworld straight at its target. Lumis cries in terror, running wildly in circles like a chicken with its head cut off. The black flames hit him dead on, blasting him ten feet in the air. He luckily falls on his butt on the sand. Otherwise his neck would have snapped. Umbra can only look on in terror. (Lumis & Umbra 17700 à 6700)

Maya concludes, “I was a bully at school. I gave the shrimp the biggest wedgie in his life. If he ever attacks me again I’ll dunk his head in the most diseased toilet he can imagine.” She sets a card facedown. “I end my turn. Let’s see Kim and Kanye make a comeback.”




Yugioh City of Dreams – Table of Contents


A user from the Pojo Forums named Aarikku suggested I posted a summary and table of contents of my work to make it more popular. I will do that for my very first fanfic, Yugioh City of Dreams. (It formerly went by different names.) I gave every chapter some revision to make the story better. My writing was much more awkward back in the day.

Table of contents here:

Duel 1
Maya loses to Matthew. Is not accepted to the Duel Academy.

Duel 2
JC, Yukio, Jolene, and Maya form Team Dark Duelists, which focuses on being antimeta and beating bigger teams.

Duel 3
Matthew sets up a rigged test to trick people into losing their money. Maya fights Miguel, a fat loser who eats at McDonalds.

Duel 4
Maya breaks Miguel’s simple Monarch strategy, defeating him.

Duel 5
Maya and her father visit Matthew’s father, CEO of an arms dealing company.

Duel 6
Our heroes challenge Matthew, leader of rival team Shining Crusaders, at Yankee Stadium.

Duel 7
JC is defeated by Phillip, Matthew’s creepy pedophile teammate.

Duel 8
Our heroes go after a big duelist, Cristy, to get street cred.

Duel 9
Our heroes lure Cristy to duel Jolene.

Duel 10
Jolene beats Cristy, which attracts other rogue teams to join their cause.

Duel 11
Lawyer Jones Dupre wants to make a deal with Team Dark Duelists.

Duel 12
Our heroes sign a contract with Dupre.

Duel 13
JC beats Arifa, a rogue duelist who implores JC to use reason and fairness instead of aggression.

Duel 14
Xiaoyi beats Jolene, calling her a sycophant who only wants to be a cool rebel.  

Duel 15
Yukio defeats Phillip, striking a huge blow against the Crusaders.

Duel 16
Our heroes eat cookie dough and smoke pot.

Duel 17
Maya’s dad acts like a dick again.

Duel 18
Maya and Jolene raid the grave of Matthew’s grandfather. They get some awesome rare cards.

Duel 19
Miguel steals Maya’s cards to get revenge. Yukio beats the living s*** out of him.

Duel 20
Matthew and his Crusaders raid New York. Maya OTKs Alexis, Matthew’s informant.

Duel 21
Maya duels Greg, Matthew’s right hand man.

Duel 22
Maya beats Greg. Team Dark Duelists rises to the pro level.

Duel 23
Matthew and his dad have dinner with Maya and her dad. Maya’s dad gets drunk.

Duel 24
JC turns Team Dark Duelists from a small rebel team into a big, corrupt team. Jolene joins JC. Our remaining heroes take issue with this.

Duel 25
Jolene gets her Life up to 20,000. Maya beats her anyway. Jolene rejoins the team, making it a trio. JC is sent to jail for his crimes.

Duel 26
Dupre gives JC one more chance if he crushes his former friends.  They go to Chicago where the Nationals will take place.

Duel 27
Quarterfinal round: Maya defeats JC. Feels really bad about it.

Duel 28
Semifinal round: Maya and Yukio have a great duel for fun, as the game should be played. Maya comes out on top.

Duel 29
Flashback: Xiaoyi, local stoner high on LSD, messes with Maya’s mind again.

Duel 30
Final round: Maya nearly OTKs Matthew.

Duel 31
Maya overkills Matthew with his own monsters. Then she burns his best cards with a lighter to add insult to injury.

Duel 32
Our heroes celebrate and part ways. Maya makes amends with JC. She goes to face her uncertain future.